There aren’t too many differences between meltdowns and shutdowns. Both are extreme reactions to everyday stimuli, often the result of long term unresolved issues and are completely out of the control of the aspie.
I personally tend to be more predisposed to shutdowns than meltdowns.
What is a Shutdown?
A shutdown is almost the polar opposite of a meltdown. Whilst a meltdown could be described as a rage against a situation, the shutdown is more of a retreat.
As with a meltdown the aspie may act irrationally or dangerously, but unlike a meltdown the harmful actions are directed at oneself. They may be more likely to take reckless risks such as driving faster or stepping out in front of traffic. There may be attempts at self harm or even suicidal thoughts. Simply put, you don’t care about yourself, whether you live or you die.
Behaviours which come to the fore during a shutdown tend to be ones of trying to hide away from the world. Rolling up into the foetal position, crawling under things or lying face down. Gaze avoidance tends to increase and conversation is non-existent. I’ve had shutdowns at work induced by making a stupid mistake, where I will just stare at my monitor for hours, rocking, being oblivious to what is going on around me.
Causes
In common with the meltdown, the cause of the shutdown tends to be cumulative, and isn’t down to just one event. The final “trigger” may bear no relation to the actual problem.
The final trigger could be something small such as an insignificant incident at work that provokes a long term insecurity, or the result of an extreme event such as a loss of a relationship, or redundancy.
Typically the problems associated with shutdowns tend to lean towards low self esteem and depression.
I can quickly get into a shutdown if I end up in a futile conversation, when the discussion begins to feel like I’m stuck in a never-ending labyrinth where the other party is telling me that I have done or thought something that I really have not, accusing me of lying or not knowing my own mind when it is they who have misinterpreted me because they are used to dealing with Neurotypicals.
What it Feels Like
For me the pain of all the current issues in my life, both the one that triggered the shutdown and those that were part of the cumulative, comes to the fore.
I start to make mountains out of molehills, catastrophising. I’ll start thinking “what if”, “if only”, “could have”, “should have”, which is counterproductive because you can’t change the past, and you start to beat yourself up over the stupid mistakes that you’ve made.
I’ll play events over and over again in my head, in high def colour video with dolby surround sound audio, picture perfect. I’ll cross reference things said and done with previous comments and catastrophise the shit out of the situation.
I become incapable of functioning outside of those things that are essential, such as doing my job. I’ll get home from work and collapse into bed rolled up in the foetal position, or sit in the lounge staring into space, rocking to the beat of my heart. I’ll skip meals, or eat junk. I’ll perform the just the basics to maintain my personal wellbeing. I’m on autopilot.
I feel unfulfilled, lacking in motivation.
This is the worst time for me to communicate with the outside world, as my cognitive abilities are shot to pieces. This is the time when I will be most abrupt and blunt, and if I communicate I will often make things worse. I don’t think straight, and I’ll piss off the people that I need in my life the most.
So I will often ignore phone calls and messages, which pisses people off further, but they don’t understand that I just don’t have the ability to respond. This isn’t a cry for help, a game. This is pure on spiralling out of control into the abyss.
I really just want to be left alone, for the world to stop long enough for me to sort out my thoughts. I feel so alone and isolated, yet paradoxically I want to reach out to people, wanting them to understand me and to make allowances for my responses to situations that they are involved in with me.
I want to cry from the frustration but can’t.
Sometimes, depending on the level of pain I’m feeling, and how much my world is spiralling out of control I can quickly get to a very dark place thinking what’s the point of it all. I’m not the suicidal kind, I’m a coward and could never take my own life, but I do start to wish for a natural death; I want to go to sleep and not wake, or have a heart attack.
I am exhausted from living, but I want to live. I want to get better. I want to regain energy.
A shutdown usually lasts a couple of days for me, and like a meltdown it is so draining that the cumulative effects are felt for days after, the meltdown hangover! On coming out of the shutdown, as with the meltdown I tend to feel stupid and can’t look the world in the eye.
“Dealing” with it
Often when in shutdown I will just get in my car and drive. And drive. And drive. It’s my escape from the world. I’ll put my music on, divert my phone to voicemail, and just drive, often with no destination in mind. I just want to escape the normality of my life.
A few years ago I had a massive argument with my partner. She told me she was leaving and went back to her mums on the Saturday morning. I went into a shutdown, got into my car and drove the entirety of the Welsh coast over two days, sleeping in my car overnight. I didn’t take my phone charger and the phone soon died.
When I got home she’d “come back” and she was going out of her mind with worry as she’d not been able to contact me. She’d called my friends, family and the police as she was sick with worry. Because she had “left” me it never occured to me that she might actually care.
This is the reality of shutting off during the shutdown.