I had a meltdown exactly one week ago and I’ve been in shutdown ever since.

During my shutdown

• I’m not aware that I am in shutdown at the starting stage. I just feel confused and off-balance. I can do nothing but be. I have no energy or capacity to think to help myself, or anyone else. I’m like a hung PC displaying the hour glass. I’m non-responsive, unaware of my environment, lost somewhere.
• I can’t think properly and form complete thoughts.
• I spend the time alone and in isolation. Even though I’m surrounded by work colleagues, and have lots of virtual friends, I just cannot interact with them because I am lost in 1000 incomplete thoughts.
• I lack energy to do much. I get home from work and just put the TV on. I don’t have the mental capacity to interact with anyone or anything. I just wait for bedtime.
• If I do interact then what I say makes no sense.
• I feel that all that I am able to do is breathe.

Shutdown leading into mini-meltdown

Being in shutdown can lead to further, more minor meltdowns

• When in a shutdown I experience an implosion of thoughts. My brain doing what it does best tries to solve the problems in my life; only they are problems that it cannot readily identify.
• During this phase I turn my anger in on myself and use words like what was I thinking, I can’t stand this, I won’t ever do this again, I am done with that. I beat myself up basically for the mistakes that I’ve made.
• I convince myself that I will turn over a new leaf, make life altering decisions. This usually means wanting to destroy an aspect of self and the way that I do things. I long to become stronger, tougher, even if it goes against my core values. I think that if I’m harder, rude, angry then I will be able to stand up to others.
• I analyze over and over my shortcomings and frailties, both real and imagined.
• I make extreme decisions: I am never going on Facebook again; I am never going to ask her for help again; I am never reading about ASD again. I incorporate the word again into self-talk as a means of self-punishing for past decisions and actions.
• I criticise my past behaviours: I cannot believe I ever thought that way or acted that way.; I shouldn’t be this way: What is wrong with me?
• I over exaggerate the dire state of my current relationships and self-blame. Everything is somehow my fault. I should have known better. What is wrong with me to think that they ever cared, to have ever trusted, to have ever believed?
• I wallow in self pity and hate myself for wallowing in self pity again.

The shutdown after a meltdown usually lasts for a couple of days, but it’s been 7 days now. Events of the week have kept me in this state because my anxiety and stress levels have been pushed through the roof.

My car broke down 250 miles from home and it took 9 hours to recover back home. The hire car is a nice car, it’s a Mercedes, but it’s basic. My own car has Android Auto, which means that I have a cracking Nav system, and Google Play music.

The Merc has none of this. It doesn’t have the adaptive cruise control that I am used to, has just the one automatic gearbox so the gear changes are jarring, and doesn’t have automatic wipers. The gear selector is where the wiper stalk is on the Passat, so I ended up putting the car into neutral at 70mph thinking I was operating the wipers. You even have to use a key to start the car!!!

So the lack of my usual driving aids is causing distress. I get my own car back today.

Yesterday was the 18th anniversary of my mums death. I’m never in the best frame of mind around this time.

The solicitors dealing with my remortgage which will remove my ex from the mortgage have screwed up. The mortgage offer expires in 8 days, so I contacted them last week to see when it will complete. They told me that they are waiting on documents from the ex. I know that she sent them 6 weeks ago. It’s beyond me why they didn’t contact me to let me know. She’s on holiday and won’t be back in time to get another copy of the documents off. This process started in January!!

So I now have to start the remortgage all over again, which means taking time out of work, which I stress at asking for. It also means that the ex doesn’t get the money she’s expecting for a while longer, which means she’s not going to be happy with me.

Over the past two weeks I’ve screwed up what had the potential to be one of the best friendships of my life. Each time I try to make amends I seem to make things worse, largely because of my mental state right now. This is really upsetting because she is one of the most wonderful people that I have ever met.

I’m also on call again this week, the second week in three. It’s always stressful. The constant fear of being called when you know you need to get a good night’s sleep. Lack of sleep is always a big influencer on my meltdowns/shutdowns/fuckups. I have bad sleep hygiene as it is, so when I’m already in sleep deprivation being on call really stresses me, which means I get even less sleep.

My uncle was involved in a road traffic accident last week. Because of all the facial reconstruction he has had due to cancer he cannot be understood over the phone, so I’ve had to deal with his claim for him. I hate dealing with call centres, it really raises the anxiety levels.

Because I can’t call in on my uncle until after work, I end up travelling in the peak rush hour traffic, which is bad at the best of times, but when in a hire car that is lacking in all my creature comforts, the stress really starts to pile on.