Since being diagnosed I have been able to look back on my life and recognise that I have had meltdowns throughout, but they were minor in comparison to one specific episode, which to me was my first “proper” meltdown. It was certainly the most violent, and was a turning point in my life.

I was 40 when I had my first meltdown, although I didn’t know that’s what it was at the time, as I’d yet to be diagnosed as being on the spectrum.

It took place on New Year’s Eve 2013.

I remember it very vividly.

My partner at the time, Maria, ran her own business and as we lay in bed that morning she reminded me that I had promised to go into her office and put her servers onto an Uninterruptible Power Supply, as there had been issues with the power to the building.

I really didn’t want to do it, as it was New Year’s Eve and I didn’t want to be doing any kind of work, so there was tension as we spoke. She pointed out that she’d been asking me to do it all week, and that the blackouts were causing work to be lost.

When she mentioned blackouts I argued back that she’d never mentioned blackouts to me. She was adamant that she had. I pointed out that she had told me that the power kept dipping, which is a brownout not a blackout, but she insisted that the two were the same thing.

Now at this point the reader familiar with Asperger’s will probably recognise what was going on in my head, the issue of getting hung up on the very precise definition and usage of words.

So an argument ensued, and voices got louder and louder on both sides, with me repeatedly insisting that a brownout was not the same as a blackout (it is not!) and she was insisting that I was just being awkward on purpose and knew exactly what she meant (I didn’t!).

The next thing I remember is that I’d jumped out of bed and stood there repeatedly slapping my forehead hard. At this point we were in a full blown argument, and she said a few more hurtful things, probably to do with the fact that I was now out of control.

I remember feeling so frustrated that I was being blamed for her not knowing the difference between a blackout and a brownout, and that it had lead to an argument.

The next thing that I remember was falling to the floor and repeatedly banging my head between the wall and the wooden bed-frame. There is about 18 inches between the two, and I was ping-ponging my head very hard between them. I did this with such force that it split the bed-frame.

Whilst I was doing this I was also screaming, shouting and crying. Eventually the head banging stopped and sobbing ensued. I just lay there motionless for quite a while. I’ve no idea for how long, I guess about 15 minutes.

My behaviour stopped the argument dead, but Maria had no compassion. She thought that I was having a childish temper tantrum and had no sympathy. I can’t remember what she said, but it would have been angry and cutting.

It made it worse that the commotion had attracted the attention of our 12 year old daughter who witnessed the entire episode.

They left the house, and went to the cinema without me, which upset me as it was our NYE tradition. When she got back she told me that the relationship was over, that I had to move out, but she’d give me a few weeks to find somewhere to live.

What had happened scared them both, and she didn’t want our daughter to be in an environment where I would do something like that. Which is understandable.

It scared me too. I had no idea what had just happened to me. I had no control. I didn’t want to be banging my head into the wall, but I couldn’t stop it. And when I eventually did stop, I had no energy; I felt exhausted.

So I had to figure out what had just happened to me. Through some skilful Googling I came across autism and Asperger’s. As someone had joked a few months earlier that I might be autistic I focused on this. The more I read about Asperger’s the more I identified with what I was reading. It kind of made sense of a lot of my life.

So I took one of the online AQ tests and scored a high 42.

I did read around other conditions too, but Asperger’s was the only condition that matched. I made an appointment with my doctor and that was the start of my journey into unravelling the first 40 years of my life.

Following on from that first meltdown, I’ve only had 2 more “major” episodes, and a few minor, but I’ll write about those some other time.