I was just browsing Gavin Bollard’s excellent “Life With Asperger’s” blog and came across the concept of “Autistic Burnout” for the first time. It’s not something that I’d heard of before; it’s certainly not mentioned on any of the more “technical” sites, such as the National Autistic Society, or in the many books that I’ve read.

For the past 6 weeks I’ve barely been able to function. I feel like I’ve been on autopilot. Typically I just get up at 0500, go to work, get home at 1930, eat, go to bed and repeat. Everything else, such as doing housework, or attending the youth group that I’m involved with, has been a struggle. Weekends are worse; I just stay in bed as long as I can just to avoid facing the world, which is something I’ve never done in my life.

I feel broken.

I thought that I was depressed, because the last 6 months have been one hell of an emotional rollercoaster. I came out of a relationship of 7 years and somehow ended up in a new, very intense one straight away, which itself came to a very abrupt and unexpected end at the start of March.

Now I’m thinking that I’m suffering from autistic burnout rather than being depressed, although from my brief readings so far I’m not sure that there are too many differences in the causes and symptoms.

In summary Autistic Burnout is an accumulation of years of trying to appear normal and cope as an Neurotypical (NT). The strain and drain of it suddenly becomes too much and an autistic person (me in this case) falls apart. All autistic symptoms get worse. Trying to manage all the everyday normal activities are way too much. It is overwhelming and stressful for the person involved.

Kezza – What is Autistic Burnout

For the first time in a very long time I don’t have to go home and put on a façade, because there is no one else there. But I also don’t have the energy to put on a façade at work, or anywhere else for that matter, so I’ve reverted to being very blunt/abrupt with people. Gone are the acts that I’ve developed over the years.

I don’t think I realised just how hard I try to fit in to the Neurotypical World, and how exhausting it is to do so. Everything I do to try to live a “normal” life goes against my instincts.

Now I have no relationship the stress of trying to maintain a relationship has gone, and boy was that stressful. Trying to understand your partner’s needs, and what they are telling you, and constantly getting it wrong puts your anxiety right up at 100% 24/7.

Not having a partner also means that I don’t have a social life anymore, as all of “my” friends were actually hers. So I no longer have to make an effort there either, not that I ever really did. Over the years we did less and less socialising because of how I always embarrassed her.

So for the first time in 8 years I have no reason to make the effort, and I think that the stresses of all the acting that I’ve had to do have caught up with me, and I’ve crashed.

I love my job. I’ve always loved working. For the past 23 years I’ve been used to getting up between 4 and 5, and being out of the house for 12 to 14 hours. Right now I really can’t be bothered. The 55 mile commute has suddenly become a drag, and I have no interest in work when I’m there. I’d rather just stay at home, but not having a job would make my life even worse.

I certainly am experiencing many of the signs in the infographic above, and can tick the box against many of the causes.

I just haven’t figured out a strategy yet to get myself out of this. I don’t know how to motivate myself right now. All that I want to do is just curl up in a ball in a corner somewhere and have the world pass me by.