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It seems that most of the subjects on Channel 4’s The Undateables are autistic. Not sure if this is for entertainment value or whether it’s because being autistic really is a barrier to successful dating.

Honesty and Too Much Information

I think that one of the problems that I have is that I am too honest. I give too much information when it’s not needed, and this can sometimes cause problems.

I recently lost a friend because of this. She was already mad at me for something else that I had thoughtlessly done, and on the evening that we resolved that, I screwed up again. We were texting away when someone else contacted me. She was upset so I told her to call me if she wanted a listening ear. 3 hours later, when I put the phone down, my friend had left several voice clips and had gone to bed.

She sounded a little disappointed that I’d not responded, so I sent a message apologising, explaining that I’d been on the phone for 3 hours, and that I’d had a really interesting chat.

The tone of our conversation changed again the next day, and she cancelled plans to visit me. We didn’t speak again until the end of the week when she bought the phone call up, saying that I’d made her second best.

There was nothing to the phone call. I have no interest in the person I was speaking with, yet by telling my friend she feels that I do have an interest, and that I’ve made her redundant.

I didn’t need to explain to my friend why I’d not replied to her. I could even have lied and said that I had fallen asleep, but I didn’t. Instead I gave too much information. To be fair, I didn’t see and still can’t see why it would be a problem.

So if I can screw up a friendship so easily, imagine how good I am at screwing up a relationship by not telling white lies, or by giving too much information.

In my last relationship with Nathalie, she demanded 100% honesty. She said that she’d been lied to too many times in the past and whilst she might not like the truth, she’d probably get angry but then get over it.

So I was truthful with her. At the time I was going through the post breakup stage with Maria, and it wasn’t always easy. Nat would ask what was going on I would tell her. Looking back this was a mistake, but because she said that even the hint of one lie would be the end of us, I told her everything truthfully.

I guess that she couldn’t handle it. She started to make things up, based upon what I’d told her, and this would lead to frustration on my part and I’d end up putting the phone down on her.

I don’t know what the solution is though. By nature I just tell the truth, give all the information, even when it would be safe and sensible not to do so.

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Until recently there has been just one period of my life when I’ve lived alone, and that was from the age of 28 to 38. During that period the only person that I had to feed was myself so I could pretty much do what I wanted, and I did.

I love to cook. It’s one of my hobbies. I’ve collated around 500 or so recipes that I’ve tried over the years. But it’s boring when there is only yourself to cook for. I’m recently single again for the first time in 8 years, and I’ve started to revert back to how I ate during my only other period of singledom.

I have the same thing over and over. Repetitive eating.

For years all that I would have for my lunch would be tinned tuna fish. My kitchen cupboard could easily have 50 cans in it at any one time. There was a little bit of variation in my diet. I would either have sandwiches, or with a light salad.

My evening meals would be a little more varied. I would batch cook once a month and freeze enough meals for the coming month. However, I’d only pre-cook 3 or 4 different meals. A lamb curry, a chicken curry, bolognese and chili. Sometimes I’d have the same meal night after night.

I’d never get bored of eating the same thing day after day, but then suddenly I’d stop and move on to the next food obsession. I’m not sure whether this is an ASD thing or not, but I don’t know of anyone else that enjoys having the same meals day after day.

I’ve branched out these days on the batch cooking. As well as the 4 mentioned I also prepare a variety of pulled porks, beef bourguignon, stews, and goat curry, so there the time between repetition is greater these days.

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When you hear the phrase “problem solving” you probably assume that there is something wrong that needs a resolution. Whilst that is certainly a correct assumption, the phrase means much more than that. We all problem solve at different levels throughout our daily lives. From deciding what to wear, to what to eat, we all make decisions in our day so routinely that we don’t even consider them to be problem solving. For people with ASD these simple task can be quite a challenge.

I have no dress sense, so I own about 30 black t-shirts, because that’s easy. I buy the same shoes over and over because it’s easier than deciding if a new style suits. I’m not even sure the style that I have suits! I buy the same socks and underwear in bulk too. Basically I dress all in black!

There is one particular thing that I do which really wound Maria up and was the cause of more than one argument, and that is how I unload the washing machine and arrange the clothes on the clothes maiden.

Maria has the ability to just pull items out of the washing machine and place them in random places on the maiden, as though solving a Krypton Factor puzzle, and have the task complete within a few minutes. It would take me at least 15 minutes to do.

First I have to get all of the items out of the machine and categorise them into socks, underwear, trousers, tops along the work surface in the utility room. I then put the socks at the bottom of the maiden, underwear next, then tops and finally trousers. There is just no way that I can randomly pull items out and place them in the correct order on the maiden. If I start at the top, or place things randomly, then the items get in the way of placing the lower ones.

This would really frustrate and annoy Maria because no matter how many times she tried to “train” me to do it her way, I just couldn’t get it. She would think that I was wilfully doing it my way to annoy her, but I wasn’t. There is just no way that I can complete this task in any way other than how I do.

Consequently this leads to an increase in anxiety, because you start to think that you are stupid for not being able to do something that is so simple for others.