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I had yet another meltdown today.

One of the junior testers at work had set the status of a work item I had completed to “Failed Testing”.

Thing is, he’d not actually tested it, as there was another issue that prevented him from testing it.

Maybe it’s just me, but wouldn’t you just keep the status as “Ready For Test”, rather than “Failed Testing”? How can it have failed testing, if you’ve not tested it?

So I asked the tester that.

Today my team lead took me to one side and told me that the tester had gone off sick, as a result of my comment.

This caused me to meltdown. I ended up putting a dent in the plasterboard in the meeting room with my forehead. I’d done nothing wrong. How could I be to blame for anything for questioning how something that hasn’t been tested was set to “Failed Testing”?

I ended up going home, drained.

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When I first took the Autism Spectrum Quotient (AQ) test, back on New Year’s Eve 2012, I scored 43 out of 50.

Since getting my “official” diagnosis, I have researched the ass out of autism, and put in coping mechanisms now that I know how my autism impacts upon my behaviours.

I just took the AQ test again, and this time around I scored just 28!

0 – 10 = low
11 – 22 = average
23 – 31 = above average
32 – 50 = very high (most people with Asperger Syndrome or high-functioning autism score about 35)
50 is maximum

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An important aspect of social relationships is the ability to empathise with the feelings of others. Empathy is a two-dimensional emotion. It has a cognitive component (theory of mind, or mindreading) and an affective component (emotional processing) which allows us to share the feelings of others.

When engaged in affective empathy, we vicariously experience the emotional states of others, understanding that our feelings are not ours but rather those of the other individual.

Lack of empathy and/or sympathy have long been thought of as a universal trait of autism, but recent research seems to indicate that this varies among individuals. Certainly I do not think that I have ever truly empathised with anyone.

I never felt any empathy for my mum when she was terminally ill. I’ve never felt it for a partner, and I don’t feel it for my daughter, friends and colleagues. Nobody. It sounds very cold to say this, but this is my reality.

But…

I made a new friend last year and for over 10 months I was really confused about the very strong feelings I had towards her, because I had never experienced such emotion before. The feelings I had were so strong that it was painful sometimes, palpable.

So what is different about her? Well for one, she lives hundreds of mile away, so we communicate by text and voice clip. Boy can she talk. When we’re on a roll we can do hundreds of messages a day. She’s very expressive, exceptionally funny, has a way with words and has the most amazing lilting voice; her accent melts me. We can and will talk about anything and everything.

She’s not had the easiest of times but she talks very openly about her life, and I really feel when she does. When I say “feel”, it’s as though what happened to her is happening to me. It’s a physiological response. I just want to hug her which is so alien to me. I hug my friends when greeting them and saying goodbye, because I know you’re supposed to, but it’s different with her. I feel emotion as though I’m experiencing what she experienced.

So what is it about her that is different?

I honestly don’t know. Maybe it’s because we communicate digitally. There is no body language or facial expression to confuse me. I can re-read and listen again to voice clips until I understand what is being said, which is so hard to do in real time. Plus she can’t see my facial expression, which was always something that Maria picked up on, misinterpreted, and got angry about.

I really don’t know.

I actually like it. I am loving feeling.

So what do the experts say ?

A lack of expressed sympathy or empathy may not be the result of a lack of emotion in someone who has autism, but rather due to underdeveloped skills.

To connect with another person one must:

  • Recognize the other person’s feelings
  • Understand the other person’s hopes, dreams, and/or expectations
  • Have the emotional experience to relate personally to another’s feelings
  • Have the tools to physically and verbally express empathic feelings

Research shows people with autism may struggle with cognitive empathy because they are unable to recognize and name emotions based on facial expressions.

The ability to name emotions is an important step toward experiencing empathy and sympathy. Alexithymia is characterized by difficulties in identifying, describing, and processing one’s own feelings, often marked by a lack of understanding of the feelings of others, and difficulty distinguishing between feelings and the bodily sensations of emotional arousal. Being able to identify and label emotions is key to recognizing those emotions in others.

While cognitive empathy can be lower in people with autism, affective empathy, which is based on instincts and involuntary responses to the emotions of others, can be strong and overwhelming. Newer research suggests that some people with autism may actually feel other people’s emotions more intensely. This is definitely what I am experiencing.

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It seems that most of the subjects on Channel 4’s The Undateables are autistic. Not sure if this is for entertainment value or whether it’s because being autistic really is a barrier to successful dating.

Honesty and Too Much Information

I think that one of the problems that I have is that I am too honest. I give too much information when it’s not needed, and this can sometimes cause problems.

I recently lost a friend because of this. She was already mad at me for something else that I had thoughtlessly done, and on the evening that we resolved that, I screwed up again. We were texting away when someone else contacted me. She was upset so I told her to call me if she wanted a listening ear. 3 hours later, when I put the phone down, my friend had left several voice clips and had gone to bed.

She sounded a little disappointed that I’d not responded, so I sent a message apologising, explaining that I’d been on the phone for 3 hours, and that I’d had a really interesting chat.

The tone of our conversation changed again the next day, and she cancelled plans to visit me. We didn’t speak again until the end of the week when she bought the phone call up, saying that I’d made her second best.

There was nothing to the phone call. I have no interest in the person I was speaking with, yet by telling my friend she feels that I do have an interest, and that I’ve made her redundant.

I didn’t need to explain to my friend why I’d not replied to her. I could even have lied and said that I had fallen asleep, but I didn’t. Instead I gave too much information. To be fair, I didn’t see and still can’t see why it would be a problem.

So if I can screw up a friendship so easily, imagine how good I am at screwing up a relationship by not telling white lies, or by giving too much information.

In my last relationship with Nathalie, she demanded 100% honesty. She said that she’d been lied to too many times in the past and whilst she might not like the truth, she’d probably get angry but then get over it.

So I was truthful with her. At the time I was going through the post breakup stage with Maria, and it wasn’t always easy. Nat would ask what was going on I would tell her. Looking back this was a mistake, but because she said that even the hint of one lie would be the end of us, I told her everything truthfully.

I guess that she couldn’t handle it. She started to make things up, based upon what I’d told her, and this would lead to frustration on my part and I’d end up putting the phone down on her.

I don’t know what the solution is though. By nature I just tell the truth, give all the information, even when it would be safe and sensible not to do so.

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I had a meltdown exactly one week ago and I’ve been in shutdown ever since.

During my shutdown

  • I’m not aware that I am in shutdown at the starting stage. I just feel confused and off-balance. I can do nothing but be. I have no energy or capacity to think to help myself, or anyone else. I’m like a hung PC displaying the hour glass. I’m non-responsive, unaware of my environment, lost somewhere.
  • I can’t think properly and form complete thoughts.
  • I spend the time alone and in isolation. Even though I’m surrounded by work colleagues, and have lots of virtual friends, I just cannot interact with them because I am lost in 1000 incomplete thoughts.
  • I lack energy to do much. I get home from work and just put the TV on. I don’t have the mental capacity to interact with anyone or anything. I just wait for bedtime.
  • If I do interact then what I say makes no sense.
  • I feel that all that I am able to do is breathe.

Shutdown leading into mini-meltdown

Being in shutdown can lead to further, more minor meltdowns

  • When in a shutdown I experience an implosion of thoughts. My brain doing what it does best tries to solve the problems in my life; only they are problems that it cannot readily identify.
  • During this phase I turn my anger in on myself and use words like what was I thinking, I can’t stand this, I won’t ever do this again, I am done with that. I beat myself up basically for the mistakes that I’ve made.
  • I convince myself that I will turn over a new leaf, make life altering decisions. This usually means wanting to destroy an aspect of self and the way that I do things. I long to become stronger, tougher, even if it goes against my core values. I think that if I’m harder, rude, angry then I will be able to stand up to others.
  • I analyze over and over my shortcomings and frailties, both real and imagined.
  • I make extreme decisions: I am never going on Facebook again; I am never going to ask her for help again; I am never reading about ASD again. I incorporate the word again into self-talk as a means of self-punishing for past decisions and actions.
  • I criticise my past behaviours: I cannot believe I ever thought that way or acted that way.; I shouldn’t be this way: What is wrong with me?
  • I over exaggerate the dire state of my current relationships and self-blame. Everything is somehow my fault. I should have known better. What is wrong with me to think that they ever cared, to have ever trusted, to have ever believed?
  • I wallow in self pity and hate myself for wallowing in self pity again.

The shutdown after a meltdown usually lasts for a couple of days, but it’s been 7 days now. Events of the week have kept me in this state because my anxiety and stress levels have been pushed through the roof.

My car broke down 250 miles from home and it took 9 hours to recover back home. The hire car is a nice car, it’s a Mercedes, but it’s basic. My own car has Android Auto, which means that I have a cracking Nav system, and Google Play music.

The Merc has none of this. It doesn’t have the adaptive cruise control that I am used to, has just the one automatic gearbox so the gear changes are jarring, and doesn’t have automatic wipers. The gear selector is where the wiper stalk is on the Passat, so I ended up putting the car into neutral at 70mph thinking I was operating the wipers. You even have to use a key to start the car!!!

So the lack of my usual driving aids is causing distress. I get my own car back today.

Yesterday was the 18th anniversary of my mums death. I’m never in the best frame of mind around this time.

The solicitors dealing with my remortgage which will remove my ex from the mortgage have screwed up. The mortgage offer expires in 8 days, so I contacted them last week to see when it will complete. They told me that they are waiting on documents from the ex. I know that she sent them 6 weeks ago. It’s beyond me why they didn’t contact me to let me know. She’s on holiday and won’t be back in time to get another copy of the documents off. This process started in January!!

So I now have to start the remortgage all over again, which means taking time out of work, which I stress at asking for. It also means that the ex doesn’t get the money she’s expecting for a while longer, which means she’s not going to be happy with me.

Over the past two weeks I’ve screwed up what had the potential to be one of the best friendships of my life. Each time I try to make amends I seem to make things worse, largely because of my mental state right now. This is really upsetting because she is one of the most wonderful people that I have ever met.

I’m also on call again this week, the second week in three. It’s always stressful. The constant fear of being called when you know you need to get a good night’s sleep. Lack of sleep is always a big influencer on my meltdowns/shutdowns/fuckups. I have bad sleep hygiene as it is, so when I’m already in sleep deprivation being on call really stresses me, which means I get even less sleep.

My uncle was involved in a road traffic accident last week. Because of all the facial reconstruction he has had due to cancer he cannot be understood over the phone, so I’ve had to deal with his claim for him. I hate dealing with call centres, it really raises the anxiety levels.

Because I can’t call in on my uncle until after work, I end up travelling in the peak rush hour traffic, which is bad at the best of times, but when in a hire car that is lacking in all my creature comforts, the stress really starts to pile on.